5 ways to help your child develop a healthy mindset towards grades
Many children are under relentless pressure to get good grades and outperform their peers. This may cause them to develop an unhealthy, competitive, perfectionistic attitude towards grades ( and eventually other things in life). As parents, how can we ensure that our children grow up with a healthy mindset towards grades?
Be clear on what is important - Your child and their mental/emotional well-being, their beautiful and unique gem-like qualities, or their grades
Children learn mostly from what their parents do, not so much what they say. When parents fixate on grades and performance evaluations, then the children will start to see the world through the same lens.
If, on the other hand, parents value their children, and their innumerable facets, without making reference to a grading system, the children may understand that their value as human beings is NOT tied to their grades.
If children feel and experience unconditional love and that their parents will not love them more if they have high marks or less if they have low marks, then the energy shifts completely. The educational journey becomes more of an adventure rather than a daily battle pitting parents against unwilling children.
2. Encourage your child to assess themselves against their own standards instead of others’
Many children desperately want to please us as parents, especially when they are young and impressionable. Since each child is a unique person, comparing them with their peers is in many ways, completely illogical and often detrimental to their happiness. It could also lower their self-esteem as they constantly compare themselves to people who are doing better.
Unskilful communication and careless remarks are pervasive in our common culture. Many parents find it quite normal and do not see the damage they are causing when they say, for example, “85 out of 100 is a good effort, but your friend Sam got full marks.” Your child wants to be seen and loved by you, so any comments about another child are distracting from their need for love and acceptance from you.
You may also be interested in: 3 tips to stop comparing yourself to others
3. Focus on the child, process and the effort, not just the outcome
Sometimes, we get so caught up in the outcome that we lose sight of the improvement we made along the way. For example, a child that did not score his desired ‘A’ grade may not realise that he managed to improve his understanding of the subject by working hard. As parents, it is important to bring our child’s attention to the process of working towards a goal and not just the end result. Recognise and praise their efforts so that they are not disproportionately discouraged by a low grade.
4. Listen and talk them through disappointments
On the other end of the spectrum, try not to brush past their feelings of disappointments. Children need to know that their feelings count. Take some time to talk with them about their disappointment with you so that you can teach them to work through their (not yours) feelings. Below is an example of helping a child work through a specific disappointment.
Disappointment 1: “I feel sad because I didn’t top the class like I usually do.”
How to talk them through it: Address their need. Can they name it?Why is this important to them? What are some strategies that they can think of to help them meet this need. Generally, children are looking for love and validation - they want to matter. Grades are a proxy to a deeper need.
5. There are no “failures”, but there are many lessons
Your child is bound to both good days and bad days - high marks and low-marks. This is called, “life”. When that happens, do not focus on the fact that their results are low. . Look at these moments as opportunities to grow, as lessons. Which questions did they struggle with? Why were they difficult? Can they change their strategy? What topics should they work on? How can they minimise careless mistakes?
Our children’s mental health is more important than their grades. To build a conducive learning environment and positive schooling experience, refrain from fixating on your child’s grades and be conscientious about helping them develop a healthy mindset towards themselves. This will help them cope with the ever-increasing stresses of academic life.