"I feel like I'm the only one who’s so insecure. It seems like everyone has grown out of their insecurities…" 

Have you ever thought this way? Some of us who seem to have "grown out of" our insecurities may in fact have the same feelings too but rather than voicing them, we keep them inside ourselves. 

How can we cope with feeling insecure and embrace what our insecurities are trying to tell us?

Identify that you are feeling insecure

Sometimes, we may not know that we are experiencing insecurity. For example, we may feel jealous over someone else’s looks. Does part of this stem from insecurity over our own appearance? If you feel tempted to cheat during an exam, does part of that stem from insecurity over your abilities? Explore such emotions more deeply to uncover insecurities that you may be unaware of, and take note of when you feel insecure.

Be aware of how you respond to your insecurities

When you realise that you are feeling insecure, what is your instinctive response? Is it to explore further out of curiosity? Is it embarrassment over feeling insecure? How we respond is telling of our perspective on our insecurities and whether we feel that they are valid.

Remind yourself that feelings of insecurity are common and natural 

If you struggle with insecurities, know that you are not the only one! Ask any passerby on the road, or even us, and you’ll more often than not find an empathic ear. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about feeling insecure. We are constantly presented with photoshopped magazine pictures, success stories of top CEOs, Instagram posts depicting almost unbelievably happy and stable families and more. Feeling insecure is a natural response in a highly-curated, image-conscious world.

Normalise and accept your feelings of insecurity

By “normalise”, we don’t mean resigning yourself to a life of insecurities. Rather, find ways to normalise the existence of insecurities so that they stop seeming like something to be ashamed of. Talking to friends and family about your insecurities and encouraging them to open up too is one good way of doing so - when we share about our insecurities, we begin to feel less ashamed of them. 

Being able to accept our feelings of insecurity is crucial to self-acceptance. Insecurities are part of being human - if we expect ourselves to be confident in all that we do and all that we are, we will always fall short of our own expectations and never attain self-acceptance.

Listen to your insecurities - what do you need?

After you are able to accept and face your insecurities, start listening to them. Your insecurities may be a manifestation of unmet needs. Explore how you can meet these unmet needs. For example, if you feel insecure about your looks and feel jealous when you see your friends get complimented on their dressing, take some time to discover why. Do you measure your self-worth in terms of your appearance? Can you reevaluate how you determine your self-worth? Or is it simply an unmet need for validation and are you able to provide yourself with that validation?

Work consciously to address unmet needs and thoughts of insecurities

Lastly, it is important to be conscious about how we respond to our insecurities. Do we simply brush them aside and let them remain as a niggling feeling in the back of our minds? Are we able to talk ourselves out of hyper-fixating on things that trigger our insecurities when we encounter them? Beyond coming to terms with feeling insecure, working to address these feelings is crucial to self-development. As insecurity is an instinctive emotional response, we must be conscious about how we respond to it. Actively find ways to address unmet needs instead of expecting them to fade with time. For example, if you find your inner voice beating you up whenever someone is promoted ahead of you or scores better than you on an assessment, come up with some comforting responses and note these down. Keep a journal of what triggers your anxiety and how you respond to it. Over time, you will have taught yourself to cope better with insecurity.

Another method is to practice self kindness. For example, give yourself loving-kind words such as “It was a tough day, but you pulled through and managed to carry out all your daily tasks. Well done!” It may seem strange in the beginning, but it is a practice that will help in the long run.

Insecurities will always be a part of our life. Let’s learn to minimise the negative impact they have on us by accepting these feelings, uncovering the needs behind them and working consciously to address them.